Barry Knows Dead and Conservatism Ain't It

One of the benefits of being dead is that old Barry has a great deal of time on his hands. Time to observe what’s going on in America and, if required, take action as best I can given my current state of non-corporealness. For example, this weekend I’m planning on haunting a Bar-B-Q at Sean Hannity’s house and maybe appearing in a tortilla at a Minutemen meeting. I’ll see if I can get Reagan to come and we’ll really fuck with ‘em.

Anyway, I’ve been poking around the internet and happened upon a series of essays by comedian Richard Belzer entitled “The Death of Conservatism”. Naturally, old Barry was immediately interested in an opinion piece concerning both Conservatism and the dead.

Needless to say, Barry is not amused at this guy or his wandering missives about my cherished conservative principles. It's fuzzy, muddle-headed thinking like this that necessitated my returning from the dead when I should be should be enjoying the here after. Barry got here just in time.

Here it is, contained within 3 parts, so far, because there was just too much Crazy™ to fit into one:

The Death of Conservatism

The Death of Conservatism, Part 2

The Death of Conservatism, Part 3

He starts off on the wrong foot:

“…these are the fruits of a particular strain of conservative ideologues with a shared affinity for the Hobbesian view of humanity, which postulates that people are essentially evil and the role of the ruling class, the government, was to have a standing army and police presence and little else.”

Now, Barry understands full well why Richard Belzer, who is to punditry what Richard Belzer is to taxidermy, might think Conservatism evil and hope for its demise. Having watched the rise of the new Republican elite, who have categorically rejected the intellectual foundation of the Republican Party as handed down by yours truly, Mr. Belzer wrongly concludes that the current breed of Republican represents the Conservatism of the founding fathers and the G-Man.

He also, like so many modern day liberals, is surprisingly confused and bewildered by the very idea of liberty.

“Essentially that the "people" were totally on their own, frontier-style with no public services, healthcare, college grants, head start, maintenance of roads and bridges, public defenders, job training programs, Medicare, Medicaid; you get the picture.”

Actually, “on their own” is a fairly accurate synonym of being free. As in, “On one’s own to speak, feel, and live as one chooses”. Or, “On one’s own to come together with his fellow man for the betterment of society”.

Barry grew up on the frontier. We didn’t have Head Start, tuition assistance, enterprise zones, or job training programs. Life was a job training program. We didn’t have any of those things and yet we still had community, and a sense of decency for the welfare of our neighbors that ensured we’d look out for the least among us.

Which of us has a belief that people are “inherently evil”, Richard?

Barry and the rest of us knuckle-dragers got along just fine back then, thank you very much, though it's true that there was plenty of bullshit politicking and oppression of Negroes and Indians and the poor. Such is life.

But at least the oppressed had their individual self worth back then, and an unshakable desire to be free from the insidious influence of other men, unlike today where progress for the underclass is measured merely as a statistic and their welfare in enslavement to public largess. Wherever men are free, political equality is certain and individual advancement follows. Barry learned that you can’t free men by ensnaring them, however righteous your intentions might be.

That was right before I inherited a Department store and promptly and temporarily went bat-shit insane proving once and for all that welfare is almost always a poor policy choice.

Nonetheless, during my public life I did support numerous public works, along with Carl, like the Hoover damn and the Central Arizona Project Aqueduct, which directly supported the General welfare of all citizens. Barry is not a Libertarian and Conservatism is not the abandonment of the general welfare.

Too many liberals today can’t seem to fathom that freedom is a two way street that holds the promise of mankind’s redemption or damnation, depending on his choices. Socialism can’t change that. All it can do is eliminate a man’s right to choose and succeed or fail on his own terms virtually ensuring that fails on someone else's.

As I wrote back in 1960:

“Every man, for his own individual good and for the good of his society, is responsible for his own development. The choices that govern his life are choices that he must make; they cannot be made by another human being, or by a collectivity of human beings.”

Say what you will about old Barry, but goddamn if he isn’t a wordsmith of the highest fucking order.

“The conscience of the Conservative is pricked by anyone who would debase the dignity of the individual human being. Today¸ therefore he is at odds with dictators who rule by terror, and equally with those gentler collectivists who ask our permission to play God with the human race.”

But men like Richard aren’t satisfied with that, or confident in their ability to bring men together for the welfare of society without force. For all intents and purposes, liberty from oppression isn’t all that important, so long as the oppression results in some kind of material well-being:

“What do you get when 55 rich white landowners gather to form a more perfect union, establish justice and ensure domestic tranquility?”

The greatest, freest nation on Earth?

“A system that to this day protects the interests of the very rich!”

Like many modern liberals, Richard looks only to the material side of man’s nature, subordinating his political free will to the concept of economic equality. This is a common mistake, made more common simply be the fact that as we become wealthier and economically advanced as a people, the disparity in wealth between the richest and the poorest seeming overshadows the political freedom that made the disparity possible in the first place. It’s remarkably easy to take political freedom for granted when most in this county have never had to labor under a system that restricted it directly (though that’s in danger of changing) and focus on endless social engineering designed to bring about economic equality. That was true in my day and its truer now.

Which is not to say that the current administration, and Republicans in general, haven’t been corrupt when it comes to economic concerns. There’s no doubt really that the modern GOP undermines economic and political freedom in favor or narrow interests, corporate and religious mostly, for whom it tailors legislation designed to protect, enhance, and facilitate greed and inequity by the few in place of liberty and justice for the many. For that they oughta’ be hunted down right quick and kicked square in the ass.

But for God’s sake don’t blame the G-Man. Or Conservatism. I gave you people the key to the city, as handed to me by the founding fathers. You elected dull-witted corporate flacks and wanna be TV preachers who promptly organized a publicly funded coup. Find some candidates who are willing to commit to the freedom and dignity of the individual and then make the most of that promise. That’s the only way forward.

Even Hillary Clinton began public life as an AuH2O Girl. Since it seems as though she’s got a good shot at getting elected the next president, I think I’ll spend some time trying to bring the old girl back on the right path Obi-wan style.

How many times do I have to say it?

The Conservative supports the right of workers to unionize and bargain collectively for their own Betterment. But he also supports the right of the individual to eschew forced membership in such groups as his conscience dictates.

The Conservative supports access to education for all and the formation of public services that “form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty”. But Barry insists that these services be controlled at the local level, where they are accountable to the people who benefit or suffer under them.

The Conservative supports free enterprise and, as a direct consequence, sees Corporatism, as anathema to individual liberty, honest government, and democracy. As such we oppose laws that protect corporations from public accountability, specialized tax incentives for specific businesses, public funding or stipends of any kind for business, protectionism from foreign or domestic competition, and policy that subordinates the greater public good for the narrow corporate good.

The Conservative supports legislation that protects people from discrimination, enables and facilitates free speech, holds moneyed interests accountable to the people, seeks equality under the law, and protects the liberty of the individual. But we do not support legislation that treats the individual like dull witted chattel, who must be corralled and trained to better their natures. That’s the providence of T.V. preachers and Liberal do-gooders.

Richard asks,

“How did this legendarily generous and open nation become fearful, distrustful, anxious and worried about our families, our country, our future?”

Barry gets the last word.

Legendarily generous and open? Yep. That’s America, all right.

That’s Conservatism.

Where Are the Conservatives?

I should have supported the 1964 civil Rights act.

That seems common sense in retrospect, but it wasn’t clear at the time. I don’t give Johnson credit for much, him being a shit heel and all, but he was totally right on that issue.

Historically, we Conservatives have not been racist. Ours is the party of Lincoln, after all. Old Barry was a pioneer on desegregation and improving relations with the Negros, though I don’t get much credit for it. But with regards to the CRA, the G-Man screwed the pooch for sure.

While Conservatives have traditionally held the moral high ground with respect to the plight of the Negro, we have also been blind to some of the most serious abuses against him. As men of principle, we naturally assume me fellow countrymen are equally men of principle and, if left to their own devices as the Constitution mandates, they will more often than not do the right thing. That’s a fairly good assumption in this country of ours, but when it’s off it way off. Such was the case in ’64 when I opposed the CRA.

I famously remarked that, “You can’t legislate morality”, and while that that hasn’t stopped the Jesus freaks who’ve taken over my party from trying like hell to do just that, I still believe it. But you can crack some skulls when certain kinds of immorality, the very kind that undermine and attack the concept of individual liberty this country was founded on, become so pervasive and entrenched that simply relying on the good intentions of others will no longer suffice.

Which brings me to the present. Old Barry’s seen a ton of crazy shit in his day, but what’s going on down in Jena, Louisiana is getting me shit hoppin’ mad.

This is perfect example of something we small government conservatives should be up in arms about. This is a small government issue. It’s a freedom against tyranny issue. And it should be red meat to those of us who truly believe in the concept of individual liberty and justice for all. Unfortunately very few GOPers have taken a formal stand on the Jena 6, or any civil rights issue, for far too long. No votes in it for ‘em I guess. We’ve ceded the moral authority on what should have been a bed-rock conservative principle since the 1860s and pretty much said to every Negro man, woman and child that “we just don’t give a wet hot fuck what happens to you”.

This is especially apropos since apparently the current GOP front runners, who collectively don’t rate to wipe the G-Man’s tucchus, don’t find it especially important to even talk to Negros anymore.

Even Barry had more colored friends than these clowns.

I’m more than a little embarrassed that what I was talking about in ’64, namely states’ rights and freedom from unconstitutional federal attacks on personal liberty, has become code for turning a blind-eye to racist nonsense. When an individual sees clear to judge another on the basis of his skin color he’s engaging in his God given right to be an ass hat. But when an entire community sees fit to do just that, and the emotions of bigotry run so rampant that they infect the public square such that the guarantors of liberty are weekend for a minority, then that is government run amok. It affects us all and undermines the very core of the American value system.

After all, what good is liberty if the institutions enacted to defend it pick and choose for whom they will fight? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what.

This was a golden opportunity for Conservatives to show what we’re made of. To stand up and demand that government fulfill its sacred duty to protect its citizens and treat them equally under the law. As a staunch supporter of states’ rights, Barry doesn’t think the feds should come within a mile of this thing. They’ll only fuck it up.

But we as Conservatives should make very clear that justice administered unevenly and pedjudiciously to the individual is an intolerable public tyranny. It concerns us all. Several of the so-called Conservative pundits have come out against what happened in Jena, but only after the case had become so well known that it was a safe position to take. And while they were nominally on the right side of this when they did speak out, the rank and file of the GOP seems largely unconcerned except in the abstract. Certainly less concerned than they were over Terri Schiavo.

(Oh, and by the way, Terri wanted me to tell those of you fought to prevent her husband for carrying out her final wishes without interference to “go fuck yourself”. That woman has a mouth like a sailor.)

Will the GOP cede the Negro vote for another generation? Looks that way. And it’s pretty damn ironic for a party that was born to stop secession, if you ask me. We should speak out now and prove that Conservatism is a defender of liberty and equality under the law especially when race is concerned lest the Negro determine, quite logically, that there is nothing in Conservatism for him and we loose his vote to the damn Democrats for another generation.

If for no other reason, do it for Barry. I can’t tolerate another hundred years of Johnson crowing about this.

Trust me. The GOP is going to need all the help it can get.

You Can't Go Home Again

I spent the weekend bouncing around my old stomping grounds in Phoenix. I’d forgotten just how beautiful the old girl was. But sweet baby Jesus, have you people ever seen a single strip of land that didn’t compel you to put a damn strip mall on it? Just how many Borders-anchored shopping destinations does one city need anyway? Barry lived his whole life without a Bucca de Bepo, whatever the hell that is, but apparently you people need one on every other corner.

Even before I died Phoenix had grown way out of control but the place has exploded since I left. When I told Carl about it he just sighed and got all melancholy. Amen, brother.

On a brighter note, I couldn’t help but notice that several statues, monuments, schools and such named after yours truly had sprung up since I left. Way more than Mo.

Suck on that, ya’ Cyclops.

Barry's All Man, But I Support the Gays

It’s nice to see at least one Conservative standing up for liberty, justice, and the Constitution even if he did cry like a little girl while doing it. Not very manly, Jerry, but Barry is still proud of you.

Predictably, the political preachers are atwitter with indignation.

“While Jerry Sanders may be attempting to manipulate voters with his disturbing emotional meltdown, it is clear that he has a far darker agenda then just his same-sex marriage schizophrenia. Mayor Sanders may have used his own daughter as an excuse for flip-flopping--John Kerry Style--but it is clear to those who have watched the mayor's social engineering-in-action over the past twelve years that Sanders has been aggressively attempting to implement an anti-Christian, European-style society. Case-in-point: the recent Sanders' appointment of lesbian Tracy Jarman as the San Diego Fire Chief. “

Oy Vey.

Barry’s been on to these so-called Christian Conservatives and their attempt to limit the scope of the Constitution to those they deem immoral since before it was cool. If our GOP is going to survive as a party of liberty we’re going to have to kick these clowns square in the ass.

My only consolation is seeing these guys arrive in Heaven after they die, look around, and suddenly realize that they got it all comically wrong.

Sorry, But I'm Dead

Bob King gets it.

No need to dig me up boys, I’m back and full of piss as always.

I’m not at all affiliated with these patriots, but clearly they’re just itching to see old Barry in the White House at last.

This is exactly how things got rolling back in ’63. Unfortunately, the Constitution pretty explicitly prohibits the dead from being elected president, and Barry is nothing if not a devout defender of the Constitution. So it looks like the "Draft goldwater 2008" movment is as dead as I am.

Don’t worry, though. The nitwits who ruined my party are going to hear from the G-man soon enough.

The G-Man Returns

I’m back.

I didn’t want to come back. Truly I didn’t. I finally had all the time I needed to devote to my hobbies. But recent events have gotten just too screwed up for me to ignore any longer.

See, I have something to say.

I was sitting with Carl and Mo just the other day and was catching hell for the current state of my beloved Republican Party. Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to put up with this nonsense. I had to screen my calls continuously for three straight years in the mid 60’s because Mo wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept crank calling me and leaving messages with my secretary, including a now infamous lark where he claimed to be Lyndon Johnson calling from the toilet in his Texas ranch. We eventually made peace, Mo and I, but things were terse until the ’76 Democratic primary shut his pie hole for good.

But you can’t keep a good asshole down and Mo’s about the biggest horse’s ass there is. Needless to say, he’s given me nothing but shit for the past 6 years. Carl’s been easier to bear. He just sits there smiling and nodding his head in that annoying little way. He says he doesn’t blame me for the state of the GOP, but I know he’s thinking it.

When I died in ’98 I thought I was leaving my party in pretty good hands. We elected Reagan, finally stuck a shiv in the Reds, took back Congress and ushered in what looked to be ideologically conservative golden age that promised to restore the Founders’ promise of a limited, competent Federal government. It should have been inevitable that we were on the road to low taxes, fiscally responsible government, economic liberalism, smart trade policy, strong foreign policy and the restoration of personal liberty. Little did I know just a few years later the GOP I left behind, my GOP, would elect a functioning retard who would end up pretty much destroying everything I built.

I’m not the only one who thinks this by the way. You should hear Reagan go off. Ron is just about as cordial a public figure as one could ever hope to meet. Kind of dumb, but alert and affable. Like a puppy. We don’t really travel in the same social circles but on those occasions where we bump into each other he has nothing kind to say about the current state of American politics.

“Barry”, he says, “I knew that kid was a world class douche from the moment I met him.”

Those are harsh words coming from Mr. Morning in America, but spot on in my opinion. Personally, I only met George Bush a couple times but I wanted to punch him straight away. I didn’t like him at first because he was a mean spirited, boozy frat boy. Later, I disliked him when he went all Jesus on me. Displaying, even then, a penchant for being a world class ass hat, he nicknamed me “four-eyes”.

As in, “Hey, Four-eyes, you accepted Jesus Christ as you personal savior yet?”

Damn Christians. I tried to warn you about them before I left. But no one ever listens to Barry. Never trust a man who drinks too little or prays too much I always say. You went and elected one who does both, and things have predictably gone straight to hell.

Which brings me to this.

As I was saying, Carl, Mo and I were sitting around and Mo was off on his usual rant, kicking my ass over Bush, the war, and the wretched state of our country. Finally I’d had enough and said, “Goddamn it, if America can’t see the road to ruin that its on, then I’ll just have to go down there and make ‘em see it. “

Once again, it’s G-Man to the rescue.

Carl sort of smiled, approvingly, and even Mo seemed impressed. Regan was all for it and advised me to, “Win one for the Gipper”, like I haven’t heard that one a million times.

Of course when I suggested he come down with me he gave me some bullshit about having other plans. Typical Reagan. I like to get out there and get shit done. Dutch is more of a leisure hound, always quick with a joke and a smile but gone like a fart in the wind whenever work needs to be done.

Here’s the thing: I rescued the GOP from oblivion and gave it the balls it so desperately needed. I also set forth a pretty solid ideological foundation for Conservatism. Individual liberty, constitutional republicanism, and the highest respect for personal freedom. It was pretty good stuff, and I was fairly explicit with it. But somehow you all managed to fuck it up.

Warentless wiretapping? Rescinding Habius Corpus? Jeezum H. Crow, did you all collectively loose your damn minds?

You must be. And with this in mind, it’s with great reluctance that I am compelled to return to American political life. Things are just that fucked up.

I don’t expect you all to show the sense God gave you and listen to old Barry. Not right away. It took a while for you to get on board the Goldwater express back in ’64 and I expect to be met with at least a modicum of resistance now, seeing as how I’ve been dead for several years now. Still, if Dick Nixon can mount a political comeback, then goddamn it I can certainly come back from the grave. And things are just that bad for me to remain silent any longer.

I’m back. I’m back to fix my party, my country, and, if necessary, the entire damn planet.

You’ve been warned.